“What's in the bag?” asked Dave.
“Oh, it's shaimos,” replied Shloimie. “I forgot to drop it in the shaimos box out front.”
Dave detected a droop in his shoulder, undoubtedly from the weight of the bag. “That's a lot of shaimos you got there.”
“Yeah, well, H-shem's name has been receiving a lot more press coverage lately. Which is a good thing, in a way, but it sure does generate extra work for those of us who are conscientious about such things.”
“Yeah,” agreed Dave. “We've got the written form covered pretty well.”
“What do you mean, Dave?” Shloimie put the bag down. “Are you being sarcastic?”
“No, all I'm saying is that... It seems to me that people aren't working quite as hard on H-shem's name in the oral form as they are in the written form.”
“So my work here is for nothing?”
“Not at all. I was just making an observation, really about myself. Am I as careful when saying Shaym H-shem during davening as I am about collecting it when it appears on page 8 of a major daily newspaper? I don't think I am, and something doesn't shtimm about that.” Getting no response from Shloimie, he added, “See, I wasn't being sarcastic.”
“Well I don't know. It still seems to me that you've been sarcastic lately. You should be more careful of how you say things.”
No sooner had Shloimie picked up his bag and left the room when Baruch arrived through the same door. “What’s with Shloimie?” he asked. “Didn’t even say hello.”
“He thinks I’m being sarcastic.”
“About what?”
“Oh, maybe about everything. He wasn't too specific. But I’m not. I don’t know where he gets the idea.”
Baruch sat down and took a sip of his tea. “Well, let’s try a little experiment. I’ll say something about davening, and you reply. We’ll see if you come off as sarcastic. Okay with you?”
“Yeah, give it a go,” agreed Dave, biting into his toasted bagel.
”Wait, you weren’t being sarcastic there, were you?”
”No, I was serious. Let’s try it.”
“Okay. Um, here's one. I think that, if I scrunched up my face and put a lot of gusto into it, my davening would be a whole lot better.”
“Yeah, that could work.”
“See, you are being sarcastic.”
Dave sighed. “No I’m not. I truly believe that it could work, with the physical stimulation of the exercised muscles helping to shut out external distractions.”
“But, that’s not the way it reads.”
“Well, that’s troubling. I want to help people daven better, not throw cold water on their ambitions.”
“What can we do, what can we do…” Baruch drummed his fingers on the table top, and scrunched up his face. The Zman-A-Tron ticked off the seconds until Sof Zman Krias Shema. Dave’s throat grew dry, so he ate a forkful of cheese omelette.
Then with a snap of his fingers and an unfurrowing of his forehead, Baruch said, “Dave, have you tried exclamation points?”
“Huh?”
“Exclamation points. It’s the number one cure for sarcasm, don’t you know? You can’t sound sarcastic when you use exclamation points!”
“Are you sure about this?”
“Oh, I’m quite sure. Listen, just try it for a while. Err on the side of conservatism. Use exclamation points generously for a week or so, and you’ll see.”
It sounded too simple. After a swig of orange juice, Dave said, “I can’t believe exclamation points is all I need to avoid sarcasm.”
“You don’t have to believe me. Try it yourself.”
“That’s all I have to do? There’s got to be something else…”
“All right, if you want another tip, then only say ‘Yes’, never ‘Yeah’. But that doesn’t come close to exclamation points for effectiveness. You follow me?”
“Yeah.”
“What?”
“Yeah – I mean yes.”
“What?”
“I said – all right, yes!”
“Now you're talkin’!”
* * *
It was only around 4:00 that afternoon when Dave began to pack up his briefcase to leave for the day.
“What’s up, Dave?” asked Charlie, the programmer who shared Dave’s cubicle.
“I have to leave a little early today! I’m picking my car up at the shop! Getting a new set of wiper blades installed!”
* * *
Tensions began to run a little high at Crophato the car mechanic's shop. No doubt they were caused in part by statements uttered by Dave such as these:
“I just got this new credit card! Let's see if your machine will take it!”
and
“I once tried to change the wiper blades myself, but it didn't work out too well!”
* * *
When Dave got home, his son handed him a note. “Ima left this for you,” he said.
“Thanks, Yanky!” Dave read the note quickly. “I’m glad she’s getting milk! I had some this morning – it’s going bad!”
“Are you all right, Abba?” Yanky asked.
“Fine!”
Then the phone rang. It was Feivel’s wife, Penina. “Hi, is Tova there?”
“No, she ran out to pick up a new carton of milk! The one in the fridge doesn’t taste so good anymore!”
* * *
Later that evening, after a dinner in which Dave was more silent than usual, he and Tova were in the den reading. Dave began to squirm.
“What is it, dear?” Tova asked.
“There’s an itch on my back in a place that my hand can’t quite reach! It's a little annoying!”
Her face wore a look of pity. Pity combined with a loss of patience. “Maybe you better get some sleep, dear. You’ve been overreacting to everything today.”
“Yes, that’s a good idea!”
* * *
After Shacharis the next day, Baruch came over to Dave.
“Well, how did it work?”
“Everyone thinks I’m crazy!”
“Nu? Isn't that what you have been telling me since you got into davening big time?”
“Yes, but now 'everyone' includes myself as well!”
“I see. More to the point, has anyone accused you of being sarcastic since you have been using exclamation points?”
“No!”
“So there you go. We have solved your problem.”
“Oh, thanks a lot!”
“Hold on a second, there,” said Baruch. “Hmmm… That came off as a bit sarcastic to me.”
Dave looked Baruch squarely in the eye. “Didn't I use an exclamation point?!”
“You did, but...”
“Did I say 'Yeah'?!”
“No, but...”
“Then how could I come off as sounding sarcastic?!”
Baruch shrugged. “I don't know just yet. I think you had better keep at it with the exclamation points for a few more days, and then we'll conduct a longer review of the progress. Unfortunately, I have to take my leave now. I feel an earache coming on. Just remember, persistence wins in the long run! Take care!”
Feeling abandoned in his efforts to combat his own sarcasm, Dave pondered the bagel in front of him. It was stale, and it was buttered. “Maybe I should have toasted it!” he thought out loud. “Too late now, though!”
“Toasted what, Mr. Geiss?” asked Rabbi Zinfin, who was standing behind Dave.
Dave jumped up and whirled around. “Oh, shalom aleichem, Rabbi Zinfin!”
“Well, that is quite a greeting to hear from you. Do I owe you a Mazel Tov?”
“No, I'm just trying to not sound sarcastic!”
“That is interesting.”
“Yes! I've been advised to be liberal in my use of exclamation points as a means to make it clear that I am not being sarcastic!”
“Exclamation points,” Rabbi Zinfin repeated, stroking his beard and contemplating. “Tell me, do you not suffer from some kind of vocal fatigue, using exclamation points all the time?”
“Well, now I try to talk a lot less!”
“Mr. Geiss, you weren't such a big talker to begin with.”
“Even so!”
“Well, just for my benefit at least, can you suspend your treatment for a short while?”
“Well, okay.” Dave took a deep breath, then declared, “I’m not going to use exclamation points while I speak to you.” A smile spread across his face. “Hey, I feel a lot more relaxed all of a sudden. Especially in my eyebrows.”
The rabbi smiled. “Do you see what happened?”
“Well, I'd say I was over-acting.”
“Yes. You might say that your emphasis on exclamation points caused the content of what you were saying to be way out of kilter with the form you said it in. There needs to be a balance, or people might start to, eh, wonder.”
“I succumbed to the appeal of a quick fix for a problem I wasn't even sure I had. Boy, do I feel silly. Yet Baruch's approach sounded so reasonable.”
“Form-based approaches often do.” The rabbi gave his beard a few strokes. “But I'm not saying to never adjust form. In fact. when the form doesn't do justice to the content, it would be a shame not to improve the form. I'll bet you can think of some examples yourself.”
It only took a second for Dave to catch the Rabbi's drift. “Davening! The tefillos are full of content, but what about the form? I’ve been guilty of bad davening form much more than I care to admit.”
“You’re not alone, don’t worry. Now, that's where I might apply the exclamation point strategy. You look in most siddurs, and you won't see them, except for a few pesukim here and there. But if there is anything to exclaim about, shouldn't it be H-shem? Shouldn't we be saying our tefillos with exclamation points?”
“But suppose I started using all these exclamation points during davening. Won't they start to lose their impact?”
“Probably, if you just kind of assume that that alone will always give you great kavanna. The Yetzer Hara loves repetition, any kind of repetition.”
“So how does this idea make any difference?”
“Well, why not daven that that doesn't happen? Have it in mind when you say HaNosein LaYo'ef Koach. You're creative about davening – I'm sure you'll come up with some useful ideas. But--”
“But what?”
“But, um, just keep in mind that it's davening, it's in shul, and there are quieter exclamation points and noisier exclamation points. Well, I've got to prepare a shiur. So long, Mr. Geiss.”
So Dave was left alone. But not entirely alone.
“Hey.” It was the Yetzer Hara. “This is a real winner of an idea, Dave. I think it's going to make a big difference in your davening.”
“Oh you do, do you?” Dave said, somewhat dubious of the source of this support.
“Yep. It has the makings of a major breakthrough. I'm nervous, I'm telling you. If I were wearing boots, I'd be shaking in them right now.”
“I notice you're not using any exclamation points.”
“Yeah, well I'm a low-key kind of guy.”
“So you won't have any objections if I try this out?”
“Not even the slightest,” averred the Yetzer Hara.
“Thanks, I appreciate it,” said Dave.
“Think nothing of it,” replied the Yetzer Hara.
“OK,” said Dave.
“Right,” said the Yetzer Hara.
“Good,” said Dave.
“Excellent,” said the Yetzer Hara.
This couldn’t go on too long, because the word limit was being reached.
“What, are you aiming to get the last word in here?” asked Dave.
“I always do, don't I?” said the Yetzer Hara.
“It sure seems that way.,” Dave admitted. “Usually.”
“--”
